Feb 06 2018

A Feeling Of Freedom

So, as I write this, it’s 3AM. I really should be asleep, but let’s face it – with my work schedule being what it is an sleep issues, this isn’t anything normal. Right now I’ve got the Dido album “No Angel” laying. Haven’t listened to that in many years, and it’s just as good as I remember it.

I just accidentally published my major article which was originally planned for about Noon central time today. It was an article that had been coming for pretty much the entire year of 2017, and almost happened at the end, if it wasn’t for a stress induced minor breakdown I had as a result of the pressure of trying to write it.

I have some pretty bad anxiety problems. I usually try not to talk about anything too personal, but I felt this was quite appropriate to discuss now because trying to discuss this topic was a major trigger for an anxiety attack – the fear of having people give me hell over expressing an opinion, and just the sheer effort it would take to write that in depth about the subject didn’t help. Yeah, I’m a writer, and sure,  I write pretty much daily, but damnit some subjects are just a battle – you have to make sure it all works just write when a person reads it, and given my odd use of English, that’s not exactly a trivial matter. I don’t want what I say to be misunderstood, as you can imagine.

Let’s just say the article in question, at 3,600 words, was the grand champion on all fronts – the biggest, most complex, and certainly most difficult article I’ve ever written!

Anyway, so, the article got published. The second I clicked the button to publish it, I realized the mistake, that it should have said scheduled. It was too late though, I couldn’t stop it. I decided to just let it do it’s thing, and publish 10 hours earlier than it should have. Whatever, It’s cool, that will give people on Triberr time to share it.

Then, something hit me. A feeling of cautious relaxation.

I had done it. I had published the article I dreaded having to do. It’s over. It’s done. I don’t have to write it ever again. It’s over.

Well, at least that aspect is over. The subject is ever evolving, and while I feel those opinions won’t change, as things happen I might revise how I feel.

Regardless, I have finally cleared a path for Xadara to spread into covering more of what I enjoy. All those months of saying “This will be the month” are over – this is that month.

I feel free again to say and do what I want here. To enjoy the experience of writing on my own blog. To have some freaking fun with it again, like I used to! Before I made the mistake of getting too deep into the subject of Space.

It’s a great feeling to know you’ve finally done something that’s been necessary, on a personal level, for so very long.

Let’s just hope the Internet at large takes the article well, and I don’t wake up to a stream of angry tweets.

Oh well, I’ll just mute / block anyone who starts any shit. I’m way too busy to argue with people online.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my bed is calling me.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.xadara.com/a-feeling-of-freedom/

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