If you look back over the site for the past month or so, you will notice that at the very tail end of December, things just stopped. Completely. I made a few posts stating pretty clearly what I was feeling at the time, and still am honestly, but what I didn’t go into was detail on just how bad things had gotten.
I feel like it’s worth sharing the details of, not just for what’s to come but for the sake of those who may experience similar problems in their hobbies; namely, in conjunction with the rather dark nature of Social Media.
Towards the end of last month, I had set a goal to get a set of very detailed articles complete before January. The idea was to express every thought I had on a given very current and very important subject in the space and rocket community. This was going to require something like 10 different articles to complete, something that certainly was massive, and would take over the site for the better part of December.
Things were going well enough, but I ran into the problem that, quite simply, actually writing the articles was difficult. Not in so much the act of typing, so long as I have an idea to express I can create content all day long. No, just having to put in the mental effort to write the content. It’s a hell of a lot more enjoyable to write about something that makes you happy as opposed to something that’s annoying; something that’s been the proverbial thorn in your side for over a year.
I was hoping that as I wrote, I would feel liberated in a sense – that the stresses and frustrations of the subject would go away. They did, to a point, until I hit crunch time at the end of the month. This coincided with the article I was to write which was the worst to look back on since it ironically was the event that started it all.
Of course, to actually write the article, I would have to re-read the discussion in screenshots I took at that time, and pretty much have to go through it again. Not a fun time, really. I hate arguing with people online, and having to go back through such a discussion you had and dissect it like the article would require isn’t exactly fun, to say the least.
That actually has much to do with just why I’ve even written the articles: it’s easier to write it all out in detail, once, and let them deal with it, rather than have to carry on the same discussion over and over, arguing back and forth and watching as they invariably ignore what you actually say.
If they want to know why I think their terribly wrong, they can read the entries I put here on the subject and, well, disregard it all they want or not. I don’t care. I get a hit, hopefully a bit of ad revenue, and that’s that. I’ve always been outspoken, anyway, and since expressing ones self is the purpose of any social platform, well, I don’t think I need to say any more really – I’m certain you understand.
After a year of trying to carefully craft my points, gathering information, finding subjects to discuss, making notes on what to address in detail, and getting about half the content I wanted to written, I was reaching the final mad dash, pushing myself to my own limits mentally.
You could say I had become obsessed, but that’s how I’ve always been with space, and with the subject in question being as big a thing as it is right now, well, I felt, and still do feel, getting my thoughts out there was the most critical thing, and damn anything else I was working on!
That was a mistake. On the night of the 21st, I sat down to type out the 3rd part of a sub-series of articles, and I just couldn’t do it. The past year or so of dealing with the subject and the problems that were the focus of these articles had taken its toll. I was beyond burned out on the whole thing and practically broke down. I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore, and I certainly didn’t want to deal with that ultimate example of toxicity in the space community.
The following day a launch of one of the company in questions rockets was scheduled, and I simply avoided paying attention to it all together. That is, I intended to, until the goddamned thing made international news thanks to an atmospheric phenomena related to its launch time. I literally couldn’t keep up with other things on Twitter or Facebook without being bombarded with it at the worst possible time.
That was it. I knew following that I needed a break. I didn’t even bother with Xadara itself, save for a couple of posts on Christmas day, and then a few more right before New Years. I relaxed, gamed, and thought about what to do.
The articles had taken over the site, and I hated it. I had already committed to stopping coverage of the subject in question (which, you can see how much I’m avoiding it here by using that phrasing) and began plans to actually migrate all of that content from here to another blog – I was going to actually purge Xadara of all the content. Forever.
Turn to last night, just over two weeks later, and I’m still not feeling fully comfortable with the idea, but I’m heavily considering condensing what I had to say in those many articles that have yet to be written, pushing them down into a few wrapup articles, before producing one final summary and letting that be that, unless there is some kind of major event worth noting or covering.
Of course, you may ask, if this is all so damned stressful for me, why even do it? Hell, I don’t know. At this stage I would do better to erase it all and leave it in the past, but that would negate the year of paying heavy attention to the subject I did. That would be letting those who say I’m wrong win, as well – basically, I’d be saying “yeah, you’re right, I’m taking these opinions that conflict with yours down. No one will be able to look at my perspective and form their own decision” and that is something I just can’t let happen. Hell, it would even break the purpose of the site itself, to share my thoughts on what I want.
Once I address what I feel I need to on the subject, I know I won’t have to again, and I can get on to what I really want to do in 2018. Space and rocketry are things I absolutely love. As I had stated before, it’s become quite difficult to enjoy them, at the very least in discussing them with others, as things have gotten very hostile on all fronts. I can’t let that stop me from expressing my own thoughts on my own web space. Ever.
My own frustration with the fact that I even have to say what I do (instead of being able to have a civil conversation or, even better, not deal with it at all and just enjoy rockets and stuff like I used to) had gotten the better of me. Sadly, the nature of how the internet works these days, and the ways you get news, involve social media almost as a rule, and with that comes people, and the things people do… like be jerks seemingly for the hell of it. It takes its toll sometimes, but at least I can admit that and share with those who may feel the same way.
Don’t ever let that happen. Never stop yourself from doing what you want, or saying what you have to say. If it’s important to you, then express it. I don’t care if it’s something important like political policies involving medical care, or your nation getting into some kind of war, or something as trivial as what cartoon from the 1980’s was better, He-Man or Thundercats. It matters to you, say what you think.
As for me, well, time to get some things prepared and finish up those articles.
More to come. Stay tuned…